i told him i was on my period. he said, and i quote "can we not just lay down some newspapers or something?"
My phone has seen less use in the last three days than Tom Brady's condoms.
that was the first time i tried it. why is it all sticky? its like somebody threw a glue bottle at my face.
This kid is drunk.
I hope by "this kid" you mean yourself and not some child you have kidnapped and gotten wasted.
so went to the condom shack today. bought a condom that dresses up your dick in a suit...tomorrow im fucking in style
yeah, its right past the deli mart where i showed my right tit for mozzarella sticks.
In preparation of Wine in the Woods next weekend, today we're hosting Straight Vodka in the Bathtub
Doubtful. That seems irresponsible. The 4th will kill you if you stopped drinking until then. Let's think logically.
it took us a while to figure out sex on a tire swing, buuuuuuuut MISSION ACCOMPLISHED
How long is enough time to schedule homosexual exploration... Like an hour?
Just got blown whilst wearing a glow in the dark superman t shirt. Your night will never be as good as mine.
An orgasm and grocery shopping is the appropriate start to every Monday.
It's like those toothpaste commercials where 4 out of 5 dentists would recommend your vagina
I just changed all my morning alarms to wake me up with different Jesse McCartney songs telling me I'm beautiful. Would you believe I'll be 25 this year?
I think he was trying to be romantic, but the candle he had lit was the kind you use to repel mosquitoes..
Randomize
