if you made me into a cookie and threw me into a betty crocker easy bake oven on christmas morning...that's how baked i am
Every time I hang out with your gay friend, I have to make a checklist of words to look up when I get home. First Google of the night? "Power bottom."
I'm sending you this that that when you wake up and see the girl sleeping next to you, you know who to thank
I just found a babydoll head in my sink where we ripped it off and did shots out of it.
I think u should go home and go to bed. If u get arrested in the Ohio river u go to jail in Kentucky. Nobody wants to go to jail in KY.
It says a lot about how well I know you when I can understand messages of yours that say things like "sauteed Jesus."
He's just sitting there staring at my sisters teddy bear hoping it will come to life.
My underwear said "hard to get" on the butt. He laughed when he took them off.
I may or may not be wearing slippers and a TMNT hat. This thing better not have a dress code.
Sexual Frustration City, population: Me.
I just tried to give a picture of a dude a blowjob. through my computer screen. I was leaning forward with my mouth open and everything so WALK AWAY
I'm the kind of girl who misses her mouth when trying to eat, do you honestly think I'm coordinated enough to wear heels during sex?
You can't leave me alone in times of distress because I will fuck things 🙈😐
hooked up with him and then had a conversation with his ex about how we hate people who hook up with our exs...
Note to self: NEVER have sex with anyone who is experiencing explosive diarrhea.
I've never been so happy to be celibate.
Jesus christos I come home and am treated like my vagina is made of gold
Either that or it dispenses candy
Randomize
