Your vagina is a self cleaning oven.
omg. I had the wrong window open and I accidentaly posted my credit card # on twitter
Whats your twitter name
You're the host. Of course you wear the diaper. It's like wearing the pants.
We walked in and they were fucking to Somewhere Over the Rainbow... I need a new roommate.
Needing to keep one leg on the floor during sex so you dont spin should qualify for some kind of drunk award.
We decided to leave the bar after we shattered a glassand then drive to steal a baby pool for our water festivities tomorrow
I spent the whole weekend building houses out of popsicle sticks for my bowls. How was your weekend?
She asked if I could convince him so shave that shit off his face so he'll have a snowball's chance in hell of getting laid.
you are not my drinking buddy, you are my drinking enemy.
I should send him a pic of my crotch with the caption "thanks for the memories"
You now have the mental image of me flying off into the sunset with no pants
So yes we had an orgy last night and I sucked your tits while you fucked my husband but I am weird about sharing my toothbrush.
I'm handling the NHL draft worse than getting dumped this week
On the way home she told me she was in kindergarten when 9/11 happened
She called a 10 year old handsome and we gave her a look that was equal parts confused and “what the hell is wrong with you”
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