Just crossed the line with my beat friends girl twinsie. Didn't realize tillz afta how much the look alike and an thougholy creeped out. Thanks ciroc
Were you really trying to feed me potato chips while I was sitting on the toilet?
Next guy we share better have a little more dignity than that
Stayed out til 7 am.... Did u know there's a guy who goes up and down the quad at that hour playing bagpipes?
I just found that video of you jumping onto my exercise ball feet-first and face-planting into my shoe rack.
Whoever put the picture of my dad in the condom box is an asshole
And I'd make him talk dirty to me. In Forrest Gump's voice.
Just so you know, my new pet parrot tried to bond sexually with me today. That is what Google told me. I'm not sure of its gender.
It might have taken me 30 minutes but I finally finished the toast I made. That hungover.
Hey can you text me Heidi's phone number. I just stapled her mattress to the wall and I want to send her a picture of it.
I'm considering offering a class on how to find good porn.
Just gave my thesis presentation, pretty sure I made out with the admissions woman last night.
Omg you can't vacuum salsa that's just ridiculous
You showed up at my front door in a bikini with a fifth of tequila it was like the opening to a porno
I regret nothing
Not even Married Dan?
I regret one thing
Randomize
