That cute girl I hooked up with last night clawed my back to hell and gave me a hickey. I look like a white trash warewolf victim
she is the kim kardashian of front butts
I'm eating my dinosaur chicken nuggets in the order they would die in the food chain.
well, if it werent for her you wouldnt have gotten a handjob in the middle of the bar. so, maybe you should thank her too.
i had to apologize to my friends for being friends with me
I've never felt so inclined to grow a dick. THIS is what the gays in this town have done to me
All is not lost. The bondage chair came with repair seals and glue. It's like the knewwwwwww this would happen.
Nothing says "future AA member" like bonging 40's out of a plastic flamingo.
For sure. I'm slow cooking a 6 pound pork shoulder wrapped in bacon. If that doesn't scream "guys I'm going into culinary arts lets get drunk" I'm not sure what does.
he had shaved armpits. I repeat: HE SHAVED. HIS. ARMPITS! First hookup of 2014 and it's with a weirdo. Alcohol:1 Me:0
Fuck you. Leave my nipples out of this. THEY DID NOTHING TO YOU
Threesomes are not as fun as you'd think. I left with a black eye and I'm not sure who's to blame.
Roommate charged out of his room in pajamas yelling "MAKE IT RAIN" and just threw $4,000 in fifties onto my head. My Friday night.
It wasn't until I lost my earring that I realized "I've been here before". Turns out we fucked a year ago. We've decided to make it a tradition.
I'm fairly sure I accidentally saw my dad naked last night
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