I've thrown up so many times in the third floor bathroom of Baldwin that they should probably just go ahead and name it after me.
Their wedding is on my 21st birthday. I fail to see a way that this could end poorly.
I think he pocket dials me so much because I'm in his phone as 'Air Mattress'
Jacob lost his virginity in a threesome. I am deffs fucking this kid.
DURING A THUNDERSTORM ON HIS BIRTHDAY.
Rush week is fine, only the t-shirts are white and if it rains, the frat boys in their lawn chairs will be treated to 800 freshmen girls in their first wet tshirt contest.
Welcome to college.
Just blowing bubbles with my nipple rings in my shower.
You always make things weird.
MY TWIN SISTER IS ENGAGED. I REPEAT, MY SCREW UP OF A SISTER IS ENGAGED. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
I'll be there in 20 with vodka.
I just want a boyfriend who will have sex to Disney Pandora.
My mom and sister were over. When my drunk roommate came home, he yelled "GOT BITCHES IN MY CONDO"
premonition: im going to wake up covered in mashed potatoes
"can you come pick me up from the ikea parking garage i think i slept here"
Apparently I was directing traffic outside of Keeneland. Apparently I'm not a police officer. Who knew....
There are twenty eight units in that building. There has to be at least one heterosexual in it. You can't have fucked your way through all of it.
He has the fingertips of a God
My apartment stinks of burning failure
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