I totally ignored my nose and drank sour milk this morning. The tupid carton said 4/22/09. i puked everywhere..
tequila makes my crab dance SOOOO much better
At least I wasn't still dressed as a bottle of dom perignon when they took me to the ER
I had a dream that we erected a stage in our living room for "impromptu performances" how can we make this a reality?
we can add 'stealing hydrangeas from the sign in front of the credit union because we're too poor to have all of the flower arrangements professionally done' to my list of maybe-felonies
Bro I am trying to have one night stands nothing more, unless she is baking waffles I can eat out of her butthole I am not interested
From time to time I think I'm happy for a second and then I remember how a guy stopped me from giving him head on my birthday weekend.
I need to hump something and I know u understand.
I have six new people in my phone that I don't remember adding. One of them is "Bourbon Yeah." Successful evening?
oh. oh my god. i just had lunch with my mom with semen still on my face.
Sooooooo Your wife and your girlfriend are making cat noises at one another via text
I know I swore I wouldn't go home with him, but he whispered that he had taquitos and you know how much drunk me loves taquitos.
WHY IS SHE PANDERING YOU, A SIMPLE GOBLIN, TINY WEENER PICTURES OVER STATE LINES
He took some pill and now he's on all fours demanding we give him chips from the dog bowl. Come get him.
At one point I believe I was despencing medical advice while wearing a sombrero and a hulk hand
Randomize
