you know you made some mistakes when your last two boyfriends are both obsessed with women's curling...
Whoa. I woke up to 10 new text messages. All about bacon.
george bush was a better president for first pitches than barack obama. there. i said it.
i find it unbelievable that you didn't think it was necessary to intervene when i started letting people autograph my body with spray tan.
dude you guys. You can't throw up in the recycling bin. I don't think vomit is recyclable
There is ecstasy everywhere. Get over here right no5w. The 5 is silent.
I just held a marble with my kegel muscles for 5 min. You may call me COCKCLAMP 9000!!!!
Amanda bynes is my spirit animal
Like we were literally doing coke off his insulin pump
I don't go out. I live in my room watching Bridget Jones and thanking my vibrator for existing.
Seriously? People are paying $45 for Surge?!? I've seen better one night stand decisions being made then the choices being made on amazon orders of Surge
Hypothetically speaking, at what point does fire become too much fire?
Dude it's 6 am and you just invited me to a hotel with a shit ton of coke. Best morning ever
Woke up way too warm in the middle of a spooning sandwich. Was working up a rant about still not wanting a threesome. Then I realized the littlest spoon was the dog. Might need to break up anyway.
Lighting a fucking bong with a candle. Straight up dedication.
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