So I used to make fun of texas a lot, then I got here and I found a place where I could get my tequila in a to go cup with a straw and I realized that this is the only place I ever want to be
He told me they were just razor bumps!
There's nothing like vomiting in the restroom at work to remind you that you're not in college anymore.
At least we kept it together. It's people like him who yell at bushes that give acid a bad name
found used condoms and an omlet in my uggs. I'm disgusted but not surprised.
The fact that both my ribs are severely bruised from shoving flasks in my bra might be a validation of my mothers alcoholic accusation
I woke up on the toilet with my feet gorilla glued to the floor, cake and makeup on my face and my hand glued to my head.
Welcome to the world of vodka. Rule #1: NEVER PASS OUT. Happy 21st
It was all going fine until I had to chug that strawberita bud light. That really ended badly.
I have a lot of questions this morning, most of them start with "Did I..."
Are you wearing clothes?
Fuck no, who do you think I am
I feel like I missed the land of milk and honey and instead wound up in the land of beer and pizza. And yet, I think I'm happier here.
Tonight we learned that just because we can fit a Tic Tac in the tip of my penis that does not mean we should.
Why is there a waffle in the knife drawer?
The real question is why are there knives in the waffle drawer.
I am certain that you would be a mere freckle on the behemoth of slutty that has taken place at this complex.
You now have a new job. Call me around 1pm everyday and make sure I've eaten something. All I've had today is dick and cheesecake.
Randomize
