He threw a goldfish cracker into my toilet and then proceeded to laugh for 32 minutes. I timed it.
She was narrarating everything she did.. like while making toast.
i feel like you're just hanging onto the edge of functioning wino.
Note to self: You can't deep fry cheese-its.
IF SOMEONE ASKS YOU IF YOU WANT THE GOOD DRUGS YOU SAY YES.
He cheated on me in real life. I can cheat at words with friends.
Haha. I got you. I always pay you back somehow. Do you accept all major forms of payment: cash, taco bell, and patriotic underwear?
We all just did coke and we're coloring so if you're sober its pointless for you to come over here
I asked for my Beats earbuds back and he sent me a pic of them tied around his penis. Now I miss both my great ear buds and his great dick
And then he serenaded me with "Pimps don't cry" from 'The Other Guys'. If that's not love I'm not sure what is
The lady at walmart just said she is so happy im still alive....Was i that drunk on the 4th? Dont answer that
If I had a mugshot, I would totally use it as my main picture on Tinder, just to keep it interesting.
I like that you use a Disney movie to describe the starting of our BDSM relationship, lmao
The 666th photo in my phone is of him and if that's not a sign that he's secretly the Antichrist, idk what is. Also, bring more rum.
You know the story of the boner party, right? They got stuck in the mountains and ate each other?
It was the Donner party... boner party was the porn version...
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