i was so high that i was eating crumbs of my bed only to realize they were fuzz thingies. fml.
I wish i could make my toaster dance like they do in the second ghostbusters. But i dont have ectoplasmic goo. Or a toaster.
If no ones going to say it, then I will. Vanessa Hudgens boobs are weird looking
She called me Jeff during sex, I just kept going like nothing happened. To think, if I was a woman that would be a problem.
It's not my fault I help girls realize they're lesbians.
I've been alternating between telling people I was mauled by a bear or hit by a car to explain the massive unexplainable bruise on my leg. Slightly more worried now that the car idea is believable.
Some might say its sad that I am willingly picking up a coke habit to be the skinniest bridesmaid... I think it shows my great dedication and proves I should have been maid of honor.
No more jager for that guy. He jacked the neighbor kids big wheel, rode around making jet noises, then passed out behind the wheel and rolled it and broke his wrist
Kripsy Kremes at our place, bring your own coffee. And your own donuts because these ones are ours.
I am trying to take a picture of a man in a wheelchair trying to ship a michael jackson portrait
i fell into a bathtub last night and broke the fall with my forehead. my forehead is bruised
I had a sex dream about Fox Mulder, and the Royals just won the World Series. My life is complete.
So, I've discovered that I'm approximately 70% nicer to my mother when I've had an orgasm in the last 48 hours. It's science.
Do you think the hole in the ceiling will count against our security deposit?
woke up to two girls crawling on top of me forcefeeding me bacon. Best. Hangover. Ever.
Randomize
