My face smells like last night's lay. I need a whore bath. Or a corndog.
I thought she was mad at me, but then we did a pose off and I realized we're friends for life
Just found out I slapped a vegan in the face with meat last night.
i have my graded calc test (94%) sitting on my empty case of beer next to my desk. this is me winning at college.
Only your wife would write 'for deposit only' on the back of that $1500 check knowing full and well our capabilities of spending it on strippers and booze
you kept looking at stripers and saying " Go to College"
Come to me. Jacob is confessing his love and all I want is a hot dog. With chili. Not love.
I would not be 19 again if you paid me. Guess who found naked pictures of themselves? Fuck cocaine
I.V.'s should just be available for purchase at Walmart. God I'm dehydrated.
She just shoved like three McNuggets in her mouth and started sobbing and I have no idea what's going on.
Bouncer came into the bathrooms to tell us the old one-person-per-stall rule, realised it was two girls banging, and left us to it. Lesbiperks.
The chances of me making out with someone next weekend are about the same as me not remembering it.
So you were shitfaced and stole a fucking kayak?
Decided to stay in tonight. Completely sober. Just got two drunken booty calls within 5 minutes of each other. This is my life.
Woke up way too warm in the middle of a spooning sandwich. Was working up a rant about still not wanting a threesome. Then I realized the littlest spoon was the dog. Might need to break up anyway.
Randomize
