Big sunglasses are the new paper bag
ya. and they're way easier to confince girls to wear during sex
I should have known I was in trouble when you started pouring shots all over me
I'm laying here in fetal position. I feel like a traffic cone
I have fiberglass splinters all over my hands and woke up with a sign that says PUMPKINS in my room.
You threw up? Were you ladylike while you did it? I'm wagering that you were. Like a Disney princess. Like a "Puke Me Pretty" Barbie.
I have already decided that it happened in an alternate universe since both of the people involved don't remember it and we only have the word of a sober person that it happened at all
Ran into his sister at the gym and hit it in the parking lot. I dont even feel like a bad friend she got a boob job and lost 20 lbs its not even the same sister
Currently at a fetish club with a set of swings (don't ask). Having flashbacks to the park by my house
There is a severe lack of banging on that itinerary... I'd like a revision on my desk within the hour
I just spilled a shot of Patron on your mom.. Body shots may be happening. You better get here quick.
I just have to decide what I love more, food or dick.
WHAT IS WRONG WITH YOU
MANY MANY THINGS AND MOST OF THEM ARE YOUR FUCKING FAULT
What kind of terrible faithless God would allow vodka and one ply toilet paper to coexist?
i just love the holidays, i hotboxed a gingerbread house last night
You don't make any sense
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