literally had 100 drinks last night.
You were telling me about how you were gonna marry him, have his children and name them all woodchip.
All I did this weekend was get my life in order. I feel like I wasted my time.
I just found a thank you note I apparently wrote to my bed last night for letting me borrow the comforter.
He showed me one of his balls and said "this one's free. you'll have to work to see the other.."
Apparently unused tampons can also double as things to bite down on during public sex to prevent screaming...
There's a stoned dwarf chilling in the basement here. Maybe there are redeemable qualities about this place.
So not the biggest tits he had his cock between. He could have lied.
Saying you need a hooker then asking me to have sex is NOT the way to get laid. Booty call 101.
It's an open bar. I'm gonna be gone when you get here.
Text me the address now before you're too drunk to text English.
Dude, I just hit your nipple with a bottle of lube while you were wearing a shirt, 10 feet away without my glasses and I only have "not bad" aim?
you gave a quesadilla a blow job with sour cream at Denny's.
"You're the only girl I haven't made out with yet" = worst pick up line ever
Just an fyi, you also tried to wrangle a peacock last night.
You tried to fight someone about spaghetti o’s?
That hungover.
Randomize
