There's this guy beside me dancing with this girl with no panties on. When I looked at him he said he's babysitting his bestfriend's girlfriend since he can't come out.
What a good friend
i need a shirt that says "I fuck trainwrecks"
We've finally become those guys who you'd see in middle school when you went to the park who are just stoned out of their minds sitting on the swings.
The only thing the cop asked me is..... "how are you still alive"?
I've never seen so many strippers at a funeral...
i preemptively threaten to cock slap your kids if they are snobby yuppy bitches
I'm proud of you, you were pretty classy last night, you didn't puke AND you didn't take off your shirt, except for those two times in the corner.
So he's compensating for a really small penis. Either that or he's a drug lord.
I'm drunk and I have your birth certificate
She moaned the name on my fake id during sex, that or she's cheating on me with someone named Victor
I don't want the fire department to come out here twice in one weekend because of your god damn vape.
Who knew sons of strippers would be really feminist boyfriends?
Dentist appt at 2pm get milk poured on my tits by 2am
A marvelous 12 hours
I think I should write my liver a thank you note. If it had my work ethic, I would be dead now.
Being high is definitely not the perfect addition to this family dinner. No. My grandma trips me the fuck out.
Randomize
