There were 3 chicks in my bed I didn't know when I got home. Now I know all of them. Biblically.
i woke up with my moms heels on underneath your couch cushions
you want 1 or 2 eggos?
come over i need a lifeguard for my shower
she left out the fact that she had a kid until she told me not to suck on her tits too hard or milk would come out.
I hope, cuz I was gunna get "celebritory drunk" but now I have to get "I'm disappointed drunk"
i have learned 4:30 is too early to start pregamming for the midnight harry potter
I just debated creating a mirror system so I could play Batman while in the bathroom. I think I need help.
I already knew that. But I also don't agree with stifling creativity.
Yea... The gym isn't gunna happen today... When I was drunk last night I tried to prove I could front flip off the wheel cover of a semi... I fucked up my shoulder pretty bad... It was more of a roll
Day 10 and still no sign of rescue in my pants.
Are you ok?
They gave me a cat until I fall asleep. His name is fluffy because he's fluffy.
He blacked out and wouldnt drink anything unless he funneled it, so I made him funnel water
Last night was a whirlwind of vodka - induced emotion
Just heard a 15 minute program on the radio about how cases of gonorrhea in the throat and rectum are skyrocketing in the US. Almost crashed laughing so hard.
Sorry, who is this??
I look excited, but its just a facade.
No I'm not lying to you. I'm just not telling you the whole story. There's a massive difference.
Randomize
