She's holding my hand. I'm going to kill myself.
sober me hid the cigs from drunk me. sober me is a tricky bitch.
Oh I also wanted to thank you for leaving your list of porn sites on the coffee table. Very entertaining.
we tried to pick out bridesmaid dresses with pockets so we could sneak flasks in with us. what the fuck is the point of a dry wedding?
my six pack is really starting to show since I started fucking everything that moves
still in the ER. she tried to shotgun a bottle of corona
We found you passed out clutching your purse. There was 16oz of unopened cheddar cheese inside. You just kept saying SALSA YES.
maybe volvos are so family friendly and safe because they're extremely uncomfortable to get fucked on.
You leave me no choice. Your vagina is grounded. It can just sit there and think about what it's done.
Tip of the day: Don't ever send a bootycxall at 3 in aftnoon. No one will respond n u'll just feel fooolish.
Amazon.com "suggested" I buy both nipple clamps and opera gloves.
He won't have sex to beyonce. I hate him.
I HAVE A FLAME THROWER. COME SEE IT. IT’S SAFE AND WORKS.
We sat at the bar and made fun of everyone around us. I'm in love
The seven of us sank the first paddle boat, but the second one was much nicer and we stayed afloat. Best night in a while, but we had to walk of shame for a mile.
Why are you rhyming?
Too stoned. That is how my thoughts are collecting.
Randomize
