he broke up with me so i peed in his bed
she was bad bro. like...id rather put my dick in a blender. twice.
I told him that he was essentially a very life-like dildo with a person attached so he needed to stop having feelings because it was getting annoying. He agreed.
I woke up smelling like chlorine with a broke toe. They know how to fucking party on lake lanier.
I feel like I got ass raped in the brain.
We passed out in his car so I had to find a way to inconspiciously make my walk of shame back inside to go get my shit. To make things more difficult I had no pants and the whole neighborhood was awake
I'm moving out of my place and I just gave my mom a couch that I had sex on last night. Reduce, reuse, recycle at its best.
i just got referred to as "the Loch Ness Cockster". God bless my Scottish heritage.
dude, I felt like being high in a Santa hat and eating five boxes of cookies was right for today.
I just set my messenger to Away so I could run downstairs to masturbate. Working from home is the BEST
She was blowing me like a porn star and all I could think was "you just told me your grandfather is dying in hospice right now"
I know where his drugs are but not my pants
Wait, there's no way I said I would suck his dick. I know drunk Katie.
No, you told him to suck YOUR dick.
See now that sounds like drunk Katie.
All our friends are getting married, and I'm the dateless guy bringing molly to their weddings.
What's that? Is there a bottle of Jack calling me? I think so...
I hate being the first one to text him all the time...I feel like Iook desperate to get laid when the reality is that im just really horny and he has a/c...
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