two of my INSANE ex girlfriends just texted me saying their coming over because im home alone. needless to say, im deleting my twitter.
I walk of shamed back from his dorm in costume while his dad and brother were waiting outside to drive him home. his dad apologized to me. my life never gets old.
It would be one hovered percent delicioui
he just used "boss" and "boner" in the same sentence. I cant respond.
Seriously this night has "go home now before you cry, puke or scream on someone" written all over it.
The cop let me finish my J before he cuffed me. Coolest arresting officer ever.
My legs have surpassed "hairy" and entered the territory of "furry". Maybe I should just suck it up and shave already
No now I'm curious!
I only listened to his story about leaving the Amish community because I was hoping for a free drink
It just wouldn't be valentines day if i didn't invite 90% of the guys i've slept with to go to the strip club with me
It was fine until they started lighting shots of everclear on fire and making ME take them. That's when shit went down...
I'm tired of being known as the Great Giver Goddess of the Almighty Pity Bone.
She's really sweet and cute, but when she drinks, she becomes way too proud of her bush.
best way to lose double chin? blow jobs. I am fucking hurting.
Sorry I trained your dog in Spanish last night. At least he listens to someone now.
Tell him you want to lick his face. Didn't work for me but might turn out better for you idk
Randomize
