Def gonna have stinky sex sometime soon. GOT TO! she has eligible friends for you, as well.
Im at a strip club, and the dancer just farted into my face. The bad part about that is I could taste the wings I bought her earlier
He stole her cigarettes and walked 15 miles just so he wouldn't have to wake up next to her. God I love being a lesbian.
My mouth already tastes like senor cuervo took a piss in it and it's barely 1 am
Omg you had literally better be on fire, drowning, and being crucified all at the same time to be calling me at 7:30 in the goddamn morning.
You know why nobody comes up with Sober October? Other than it's Oktoberfest? Because Sober October doesn't benefit anyone, just like your judgment isn't benefiting me. I'll talk to you in November. Unless you make up another alcoholless month.
Its a "sake bomb in the bathroom during class" kind of day.
Then this bride walked into the bar, she thought it would be a good idea to hug her & then she started playing parachute with her train.
I just need like a magic vacuum to suck everything out of me and then an IV to put good stuff back in
I just found glitter from our Father's Day party on my balls this morning.
DAD WTF
I want an apology pizza with SORRY IM A DOUCHE spelled out on it in pepperoni
Just got home from work. I'm going to change into sweats for a while before I have to wear normal pants to the party like I promised.
Im experiencing the awkward moment after realizing two of my straight female friends have had sex with each other
we found her on the beach half naked talking to a palm tree
Which half?
I’ve basically been controlling him with my tits for months now, so I can’t even imagine what would happen if I start banging him
Randomize
