life is too short to starve
life is also too short to be fat
guys are only as good as the porn they watch
Just heard the new 'We are the world' ... Can I get my 10 bucks for Haiti back?
she went apple picking. why dont we do cute things like that? let's go to a pumpkin patch!
because we're not cute. we're sluts. and sluts don't go apple picking.
My vagina supports interfraternal relations
I woke up on the toilet with my feet gorilla glued to the floor, cake and makeup on my face and my hand glued to my head.
Welcome to the world of vodka. Rule #1: NEVER PASS OUT. Happy 21st
Apparently I tried to convince him to sleep with me by showing him that I could do dips....
It doesn't matter how many times you look in your purse, Your keys are not going to be there. Maybe you left them at the bar.
Maybe they fell out of my pocket last night when I rolled down the hill.
Here is a brilliant idea passed on from men who have that same regret. WEAR A FUCKING CONDOM ALWAYS.
It wasn't so much a one night stand as much as one night she puked on my nightstand.
Milk that cash cow for all the shots she's worth
you got in a fight with your imaginary friend last night when he didn't catch you after a surprise trust fall
If a clean cut ginger with a flannel and tattoos shows up at the apartment, he is allowed inside.
I swear, the guy behind me wasn't paying attention until the words "middle aged fuckboy" came out of my mouth.
I swear if you help me with this I will eat you out and buy you all the Taco Bell you want.
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