So I just opened the bag you gave me and those panties aren't mine...
oh
I hope you had to get up out of bed and walk across your room to check this text message
Just did shots with my boss to warm up for our sales call to Childrens Hospital. I love startups.
I think I'd do Clint Eastwood.
...kinda gettin a major gay vibe from you right now.
That was a text you sent me last night.
I'm now in all their contact lists as "Pee-Pee Hands"...
You seriously looked at the house acorss the street and implied that you thought they had nice Easters.
The look I see on guys faces when they realize my nipples are pierced remind me of when my mom used to come home from the grocery store and surprise me with poptarts.
next time we drink: battle shots.
battle shots or battle shits? if its the first, explain. if its the second I think I figured it out.
Also-when I die, I want it to be with my arms above my head so that when rigor mortis sets in, my breasts are perky.
Reasons I shouldn't drink... My twitter drafts keep getting more and more emotional.
ALL I WANT FOR CHRISTMAS IS FOR YOU TO SHUT THE FUCK UP FOR ONCE
Tbh.. I hope he still watches our sex tapes so he can be reminded of what he's missing out
I had to break up with her. She was sending me study schedules and recipes for vegan lasagna. I’m just trying to survive man
How did the test come back?
I've never been so happy to have a yeast infection. And i got a free pack of birth control
I just caught your son trying to perform fellatio on himself. What do I do?
Randomize
