I slayed a troll last night at BC guess i thought i was back in college
I failed the drunk obstacle course of trying to find my bed... consolation prize... a sore ankle and "disappointed' parents.
Too late. I'm going over there. I'm a bad example for all women: Do as I say, not who I do.
Dude we need to petition the city about running buses later, none of my booty calls own cars
Where are you and who are these girls passed out on the floor?
and why are they spooning a flamingo?
they traded weed for a spot on our floor. be nice.
This milkshake tastes better than sex. Priorities, I have them.
fun fact: in my eskimo family tree i am the only brunette
Just got a message on OkCupid from a 20-year-old who has "Momma's Boy" tattoed across his chest and thinks the earth is bigger than the sun.
wanna mail me your GoPro for St.Patties and I'll mail it back to you coverend in puke?
I just had sex in the men's bathroom of a Chinese buffet...
YOU ARE MY HERO
FOUND: my underwear in the cabinet above the toilet. What the actual fuck.
I woke up knowing I have nowhere to be today except parties and it was glorious and I am so happy
Sorry I crashed a riding mower into your garage door. No hard feelings??
Thank you for dog sitting, there is $60 on my desk to be spent on DRUGS AND/OR GAS ONLY not that food stuff people crave.
you woke up this morning in a laundry basket, only wearing rainboots.
Randomize
