Being alone has allowed me to flourish into a complete weirdo
my dad just secretly slid me a nugg in front of my mom. remind me why I moved away for college??
You don't give head? I'm offended and I don't even have a cock...
he told me my vagina needed a tic tac
i just got so high i needed a buddy system to the kitchen
My drug dealer is spending the weekend in my studio apartment. I feel like I've crossed a line that should never be crossed.
She is definitely tripolar. Like bipolar but better/worse.
she hid the dish soap because she was afraid someone would confuse it with the margaritas and drink it instead. her reasoning was "theyre both soo pink...i cant tell them apart"
Why are you speaking in third person?
Because I'm so hungover that I don't even want to be myself anymore.
He's talking about how great of a find these dollar store condoms were. Help.
By this time next year I expect us to have full time jobs that we can call out of so we can day drink on beautiful days like this. Oh, and grill.
This morning on my way to work I saw a guy ride his bike straight into a woman and her dog while trying to light a bowl. Thought of you.
I left when you were using your mug to lay on the street and ask for spare change
I think the hamburger goblin stole my cigarettes. I left my purse behind her table and they're not in it now.
Look, I am sorry I shaved your cat...but get over it.
Randomize
