ew. I made a sandwich, and the cheese reminded me of her vagina
Her parents came home early, i had to hug her mom with a condom on...
Come over. We have tacos... And girls who took their clothes off. But mainly, tacos.
I just fucked her in her boyfriends bathroom... he was in the room sleeping.
Opened my purse to realize I have someone else's birth certificate. What happens to me in college?
Bryan's allergic to that cheap detergent, so he's been naked for three days. But we're all used to it now, so the party is still on.
I just took what could be the most awkward shit in my life, which considering my definition of awkward and my experiences shitting, is pretty fucking awkward.
...
I was sitting there doing my business and the guy in the stall next to me banged on the stall and asked me how to spell picnic because he wasn't sure.
The only reason I can fathom that you've been able to continue to date new people this long is that women continue to become of age each year, and the younger ones don't know any better.
I STILL HAVE A HARD TIME DECIDING WHAT TO WEAR IN THE MORNING HOW WOULD IT BE POSSIBLE FOR ME TO PICK A PAIR OF PANTS AND GO OH ILL JUST WEAR THESE FOR THE REST OF MY LIFE
He used one of his curtains as a leash and hand restraints. He wins the creative sex challenge hands down.
please remind me of this if i ever start out a night declaring my goal is to see how much american honey it takes for me to forget who i am again
He used the ring emoji and we've gone out four times. What is my life.
I can't hookup with a guy in my car because it smells like Taco Bell..
I think my fortune cookie is telling me I give good blowjobs.
You kept telling everyone that you were as sober as a camel. I have yet to figure out what that means
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