Apparently you make a good broom.
a guy in a toll booth on I-90 told me to fuck off for not being a red sox fan. i am going to miss massachusetts very much.
I just hemmed my dress for halloween, never felt more like a man
Just shot my load on a stink bug. Thought you should know.
there was this guy running across campus barefoot in the pouring rain stepping in all the puddles. i want his life. and i want to be stripper.
Dude, we took our shirts off and set our chest hair on fire. That's a low point.
You raise a valid concern
I'm skipping the 'hey, how are you, I have to pick up something pointless at your apartment' excuse and just telling you I'm coming over to fuck.
Made out with a girl in a wheelchair and rode her around while I was blackout. On a new level.
I was dressed as bob Ross as this occurred
I woke up naked on his boat with a cowboy hat on with a boat cover over me... Thank you tequila!
Does it count as working out if stops are taken every half hour to smoke a blunt?
I just picked up my phone and one shoe from the man mowing the lawn next to the ice rink. He found them in a tree.
answer my text you professional douchebag
and i mean that in the cutest, flirtiest way possible
I think someone cast a spell on the lazy stoner rich boy stereotype and it came to life and called me.
He was cute in a Sketchy-trying-to-sell-you-a-vaccum-at-9-at-night kinda way.
i should probably stop doing things just because i think they’re funny. i’m not going to.
Randomize
