Oh man I wish you'd been in the car w/ me today. I followed a school bus home filled w/ young boys and I flipped them off the entire way. They loved it.
he sat in the bathtub shirtless yelling in gibberish for 40 minutes. funniest. stoner. ever.
you texted me last night and told me you couldn't find the toilet.
That explains the puddle of pee in my closet.
He could list all of the presidents! Every one, and in order!! I was so impressed the least I could do was give him a blow job.
Ah, yes. Making our founding fathers proud.
well he's currently spooning the coffee table
I'm sober enough to realize she looks like a man, but drunk enough to do it anyways
I had ketchup on my elbow and a random girl goes "I got it" and licked it off, only on game day
i know i should keep better track of the things that i put in your vagina but i've put so many things in there it's hard to keep track
I was more obsessed with the sweat stain on her back that was simultaneously shaped like a vagina and the virgin Mary.
Nothing says "lifelong friendship" like FaceTiming in a sex shop.
When the nurse referred to my vag as "your downstairs", I knew I found the perfect Doctors office.
Unless he's under 18, in which case you put him back where you found him this instant.
What are we just gonna be those girls that get fucked in your parents basement and not get taken to dinner? I don't wanna be those girls.
Woke up this morning with a plate of ravioli in my bed. Who says being single can't be fun?
I'm going to be there later than expected. There was a yo-yo incident...
Randomize
