I was in the bathroom and heard my brother scream "YOU FAIL!!!", and I swear to GOD, I thought my penis was yelling at me.
As weird as that was it was probably the best advice i've ever gotten from a tranny
He has a clip art-style heart tattooed on his hip. I hated him way before I saw his tiny dick.
We were eating hotdog buns dipped in French onion dip in lawn chairs at 4am. That drunk
If we ever start off with margaritas for breakfast and end up naked covered in olive oil...I could think of worse ways to spend a day.
Not that you went to little darlings at 3am. But that you checked in on Facebook. C'mon bro. You're better than that.
Who are you, and why are you in my phone as Elf on the Shelf
I would go a lot of places to get laid. But I would NOT go to Staten Island.
When she tells her friend, "hey I'll be back tomorrow, just going to fuck a guy", right in front of you, you know you've got a winner.
My mom has a bong in her bathroom, but no air freshener.
They both showed up at the same time... to surprise me. One had flowers and the other had chocolates. Needless to say, I will be at the bar all weekend long trying to figure out how this happens.
I just smoked part of an Oreo cuz I thought it was some hash you left
It’s a dick. Seen one, seen em all. Unless it spews a fountain of tequila, I don’t need to see yours.
Who the fuck puts glitter on their vagina? It’s all over my face and crotch.
Is constant horniness a medical condition? Because a husband, a boyfriend and an office side piece should be enough penis for one girl - but they’re not :-(
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