I just had a dream where Bob Saget recognized me from when I hung out with him in a dream I had months ago.
What was your penis's nickname in high school? Also, what was it's theme song?
i woke up to the sound of my roommate climbing onto my desk mumbling that she was going to bed
Dontating $10 to the Red Cross relief effort in Japan for every car bomb I take tomorrow. Yes, buying me a drink just became a good cause.
Like. There is beer on the other side of that door and 6 yards in. If he's not back in 20 minutes to let me in, I am using this tree as a battering ram.
i dont even mind you always shaving my pubes when i pass out, i'm starting to find it liberating.
Pretty sure the purpose of joining wine clubs isn't to drink the 2 bottles they send you each month IN THE SAME NIGHT.
How many strippers in the world do you think have had a debate with someone about the NRA?
Is girls night deemed a success when you piss the bed?
Welcome to the difference between being FWBs (remember how we used to see who could get more lap dances a night?) and being in a relationship. Fun, huh?
A man just squeezed past me in a tight space and said, "Excuse us."
the straight edge chick smoked with me, because according to her my bowl is pretty
My roommate definitely just walked in on me playing the piano naked.
By piano you mean.....
Like literally a piano.
Ohhhh that's kind of embarrassing.
Good news, my sex bruises are fading. Bad news, my boobs look like I have a skin disease because of it.
You came in yelling "I'm el scorcho" and then axe can flamethrowered my dresser. Awesomeness aside, you owe me a new dresser.
Randomize
