Small penises have feelings too.
A woman in the waiting room at the STD clinic told me that she is going to pray to jesus for my penis.
and people in Baltimore still get a bad wrap.
Then we started crawling around on the floor because we couldn't get up so decided to be tigers instead. Gotta love power hour.
I wish my new phone didn't autocorrect so well. People will never experience the magic of my drunk texts because they think I'm making a coherent statement.
Dude. I have been looking at your movie history on netflix and it is like looking at the rings of a tree. Only instead of telling me how old you are, it tells me when you were stoned.
Just woke up with my keys in one hand and cheesecake in the other.
Can I bring home a duck? Dead serious
My ex wife just asked to go over our divorce papers and for sex in the same text
We watched game of thrones, broke up and I drove away blasting ridin solo while he dougied
WHY IS THERE NO EMOJI FOR "FUCK MY MOM JUST SAW MY SEX BRUISES?!"
All I know is that I have a black eye and an extra $200 in my wallet. Other than that, clueless.
I AM NOT LOSING TO SOME FICTIONAL CROSSDRESSER
If catching your vomit in my hands while swimming in a bath tub full of it doesn't make us best friends, I don't know what will
Its 7am I'm awake still drunk, there is food, random clothing and road cone in my room. I can't decide if this is a failure or a success???
well...I was at work...until someone dropped dead during their performance of "I believe I can fly". It was karaoke night.
Randomize
