Did I ever tell you that the first person i made out with cried?
someone called me shannon dorrhety annnd it hurt my feelingsd.
after a few more beers I realized that both my wife and I like Latin men.
My professor just suggested making the state of the union more interesting by turning it into a drinking game. Brilliant!!
Truelife: I made out with my ex-boyfriend's girlfriend this weekend. Thank you Captain Morgan...
Was she wearing cherry chapstick??
No. Life's not always a fairytale.....
she has a picture of her daughter riding a giant rooster.. of course i want to make obscene cock jokes
i miss our vodka / percocet laundry days.
he made a bon jovi sex playlist and started crying when "i'll be there" came on... how was your night?
I just went into a strangers house to have a spoonful of sugar to cure my hiccups, wtf is wrong with me
I played "in the air tonight" on a drum set made of titties, and I'm not even exaggerating
He told me I look like a librarian today. I hope that means he has a librarian fetish or something
Disregard. He says he said I look "agrarian" today and just proceeded to compare me to Mumford and Sons. Fuck it, I'm going home and drinking
It happend again, swimming on the floor... Vodka is my friend
Like, I just want a guy who will drop what he's doing to come touch my vagina whenever I want and to leave me the hell alone whenever I want. Is that SO MUCH TO ASK??
I must be really high or they really did just bring me a banana split instead of a burger
My penis definitely considers my Captain Cock costume a success
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