Thanks for jumping on that grenade for me last night. You're the best wingman ever
She ate 7 of the 8 slices of pizza. I deserve a purple heart and sex w your sister
what has become of my life if the best thing thats happened to me this week is that i discovered my cleavage as the best hiding spot ever for weed.
I wish i could clap on, clap off my penis
I think I may have appendicitis, but the house is like two blocks from the hospital so I'm just gonna go and drink anyway.
he doesn't drink and he's an emt - he'll be our dd for nye in exchange for a threesome tomorrow afternoon.
At what point in your drunken state would you actually believe that the cops wanted to party with you?
Yea it's a sex scar. But if anyone asks I tripped up carpeted stairs
nothing says "you're fucked" like watching a movie with the family and a handle of vodka comes crashing down from your hiding spot in the ceiling tiles.
Haha, oh man. I'm awake now. Slept in my headdress.
Where'd you go last night?
Don't EVER let me photobomb a group of lesbians again. They made me their "straight mascot" and I ended up singing Donna summer tunes for beers at their apartment complex.
Nothing tops off the night like giving emotional and spiritual guidance to a 70 year old transvestite.
I'm currently trying to figure out a way to fill the bathtub up with mashed potatoes so when he comes over he'll know what's about to hit him..
Can't beat it when the local bar sends you off with a loaf of bread on the way out the door.
just took a pregnancy test before I went out drinking. if that's not drinking responsibly Idk what is.
Omg. I'm living macklemores best life. I have someone's granddads dog, I'm about to have someone's grandmas car. I look incredible.
Randomize
