On a side note, I now know what a $150 cab ride looks like
Getting stoned and going to costco. If i'm not back by dawn, you know what to do.
I'm sorry, but the way we fuck, they don't make condoms strong enough not to break
I don't think he realizes it but he was stroking the faucet while he was talking to me.
You would be married by May if you put half as much energy into getting straight guys as you do into getting gay guys
Well, I looked over and you and him were each making out with a fireman. And then you switched. And you probably spent an hour like that.
Of course he did. He is like the oprah winfrey for vaginas. Always giving that shit away.
He told his ice cream cone it 'looked cute' and then started to cry. The Dairy Queen people were not pleased.
My stalker sent me an erotic poem. Who knew anyone could find a way to rhyme birth and girth so eloquently?
You called my nipples compassionate. What does that even mean?
I'm at the point where I'm more upset that he got to keep my bottle of Fireball than that he stopped talking to me with no explanation
Have you ever had chicken nuggets while high? Because it tastes like hearing the Beatles for the first time
I achieved maximum drunk last night. It was pretty extreme. Woke up on a couch, outside, in a suit
So, I had a dream last night that involved you as an actual cloaked Captain America and a lot of weird sex, and I didn't hate it.
I was blacked out when we met, so basically this will be a blind date.
Randomize
