i actually just woke up with a lampshade on my head. god damn cliches.
I like to think that tonight was Jesus punishing James Cameron for his role in popularizing "My Heart Will Go On."
Every single piece. I examined every single square inch of this peanut butter and jelly sandwich. and fell in love with every inch. that high.
Have introduced beer-pong to my work's Tuesday lunches.
The cops said we could pay $250 or spend the night in jail and get 2 free meals. I might pee in mail-boxes more often
WHY AM I ALWAYS THE ASSHOLE WHO BREAKS OUT THE SHOTS
When I'm famous, she'll look at her kids and go "I saw her buttcheeks beefore she was famous. I'm truly blessed."
Hahaha I can already see the arrest warrants. It's gonna be beautiful. I'll get them framed.
If it was any colder outside, the frost from my breath would make a mixed drink
I'M CUDDLING WITH MY CAT AND THAT GUY SENT ME A DICK PIC. UNANNOUNCED DICK PICS ARE TERRIFYING AND MY CAT WILL NEVER BE THE SAME
Used my brand new sperrys as a trash can to throw up in and woke up with someone's random key in my hair...new year new me:)
He may be engaged to someone else, but god damn that was the best 3 hours I've ever spent naked with someone.
A young (I'm going to guess late middle school age) kid shouted at me from the crosswalk GAS PUMP OF SHAME! I have peaked in life.
Just sold my panties for 40 bucks to some rando dude at the gay bar. I think I found a way to fund next years spring break trip. Hello cancun!
The cat likes watching me spank Michael. I don’t know how to feel about this.
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