i have nine cents in my fucking bank account... not even a dime
You know, sometimes I seriously doubt your commitment to sparkle motion.
New favorite sorority...they made me pancakes in the morning and welcomed back the walk of shame girls with a round of applause
jacking off on stolen wireless... gotta enjoy the small things in life
update: last drink of the night and im naked in my porch hammock. life is good.
5 out of the 6 of them cut their hands while trying to shot gun the beer, I had never seen balls attached to such patheticness
He's yummy.
HE'S GAY. AND 40.
Irrelevant.
first reaction to dying the pubes purple - awesome. Reaction after I explain the process - not awesome. Hypothesis? when girls find out you know to bleach and dye your hair, they're turned off.
He said I could liberate his beef and all I could think about was how I don't eat veal for political reasons.
Drunk Jeff aka Dreff thinks he's about 3x cooler than be really is and about 100x better at dancing than he really is
For Halloween this year I'm going to paint myself in gold, wear a golden toga and sash saying " cunt goddess"
I'm gonna send you a dick pic now just so your uncomfortable at work
the best part of christmas was when my mom opened the handcuffs that were supposed to be for jen. Surprisingly, not the most awkward situation of the day.
I balled in the shower for 20 minutes, rolled up to the meeting late looking like a gremlin, and my one night stand was standing there in a suit
TSA doesn’t allow handcuffs in carryon bags. Super fun they confiscated them in front of my boss and coworker.
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