I'm drinking early times at a fridays on wednesday night. This entire bar is going to see my dick by last call.
I'm in my boyfriends bathroom and I shit so bad, there was no toilet paper but his mom's clothes were on the floor and I wiped my butt on her underwear... now it looks like she sharted
thanks for brining me home and putting me in my bed. the pillow fort your built around me is also appreciated.
It's a good thing i didn't end up pregnant...i would have had to figure out his last name.
The puppy is a lightweight. 3 beers and he's passed out on the floor already. I repeat, the puppy is a lightweight.
shes still here... layin in my bed watching a beyonce concert on tv drinking leftover franzia straight outta the bag and crying
Managed to get through family dinner without anyone knowing I was tripping balls. Christmas miracle. He exists.
When he grabbed my tits it felt like he was either giving me a mammogram or trying to pierce my nipples with his fingers.
Highlight of the night: paying my cell phone bill at the bar... I need to get laid.
It was like the Alcoholic Olympics...double fisting fifths with eight 40s in my backpack...running from the cops in stilettos. I will have bitchin' hamstrings come Monday.
my longitudinal study of the long term effects of sloth and alchol-intake is nearly complete.
so you are graduating this semester.
I really thought I'd be the only alcoholic drinking alone in my car at noon in the Lowe's parking lot. Passed out dude in the car next to me begs to differ.
How will you ever teach your dogs to pee outside when the biggest puddle on your bedroom carpet is from you?
My left boob kept making random appearances last night.
Can we go out and get blitzed in celebration that they'll be no more surprise kids
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