You picked the wrong day to call in sick. She's wearing the librarian glasses today.
i have no idea who im with but someones making meatballs. im going to stay.
pretty sure that I broke my nose during sexting. Life is grand.
Just heard the garage door open and I immediately sprinted to the laptop to erase history, even though I haven't watched porn today...I believe Pavlov now.
Dude I could put my dick between the gap in her teeth.. This is the last time we are hanging out with Kentucky girls
i don't care how ready and willing she is. she is where penises go to die
I AM HAVING A WEIRD OUT OF BODY EXPERIENCE. IN CAPS LOCK.
You overflowed the toilet cuz you tried to flush apples. you said they were singing too loudly
You get drunk and try to bury your girlfriend in the sand JUST ONCE and all hell breaks loose
Do you congratulate someone for having bigger tits, or is that a no no?
Went home last night with a guy in a tutu, didn't know he was wearing a tutu until he threw it at me in the bedroom. God I love Halloween.
I can't ever look his wife in the eye again. She will see right through my soul to his dick pic.
You are lucky that I'm drunk. Otherwise I would bone you into another universe
Had a dream last night that we survived the apocalypse. And we celebrated Christmas.
What did I get you?
A 12 gauge and a bottle of vodka that was waist high.
Sounds about right
I successfully cockblocked 5 people in one night. I wasnt getting any, why should they.
Randomize
