Dude, we have the same penis size. Best friends for life.
I pretty much gave up on you when you told me you couldn't go home yet b/c you had to stop at church first. It was 2 AM and you insisted you were late for mass.
I need to have sex with you on our hotel room window ledge... This is a need not a request.
that's probably because you left your arm in the fishtank for 90% of the night
Only thing I got out of his drunken Spanish is something that sounded like "pencil sharpener." Damn rosetta stone.
The condom broke. Its OK tho, turns out I was just humping her thigh for 20 minutes. Jager dude, Jager.
That bottle of wine took a part of my soul with it.
I mean, except for the part where I was vomiting up pineapple and hot sauce, it was a really fun time.
Also, I don't know if it's the drugs I'm on or not, but I truly believe I was hypnotized last night listening to an audio book.
I have never encountered a chode in the wild
The fact that I can now puke rainbows on snapchat makes my life that much better
I wish I could send you one of those donuts I had. Like teleport it to you. Because it would change your life
That guy I hooked up with in new york last 2 statuses are "I'm going to be a father, it's a girl" then "wow syphilis sure does burn" I'm legit scared... What has my life come to.
The next time you invite me out to a bar full of cougars warn me first. I never felt like a piece of meat before.
I woke up with my my shoes on and pants half way off and missing 60 dollars. Please please please tell me you saw me last night.
Randomize
