Also I am about to cut a ringtone from "Sex Machine" so James Brown can tell me to "get up, get on up" in the morning
I once woke up to the scream from 'get up offa that thing' and smacked my head on my desk
When i light up a cigarette people look at of like i'm going to pee on their children.
Whats the opposite of morning wood? Whatever its called, everyone saw it when it fell out.
Hurry up. We're trading phones to prevent drunk texting.
She's like the pied piper of lesbians.
You're gonna die alone anyway. Even if you do meet a man, they die earlier than women. Best case, you have to deal with grieving over his death and then die alone a couple years later. Worst case, you get a terminal illness and he divorces you, leaving you to die alone anyway.
Thanks, mom.
and i'm going to kill you for what you did to my nipples last night. of course i want to hang out
We're 17 hours into a 3 day weekend, and he's already shitfaced. He fell of the dock TWICE and insisted on wearing a life jacket on dry land.
Is it a bad thing that I've made out with everybody I work with?
This girl braided my pubes while i was asleep. Now i cant get them undone.
I don't know, I think it's at least a minor achievement when you can light up with the guy who took your virginity and act like you didn't have and incredibly awkward sexual experience together
Technically, I traded a soft pretzel for sex last night...
i just told him to get ready, because I'm going to be taking out my anger over the Super Bowl out on his penis.
I'm actually pretty sure the amount of alcohol I drank last night erased memories from other times in my life.
It’s official. I’ve hooked up with all three brothers now
You should go after Dad now
I should! He’s definitely middle age fuckable
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