did you hook up at the wedding?
No but I jerked off on the hotel sheets. I wanted to get my moneys worth.
The kid taped his penis down so that he wouldn't get a boner while dancing with girls. Oh these middle school man whores never cease to amaze me.
Would it help you get over me if I told you that I had unprotected sex last night?
Last night I dipped into my beer fund to pay for groceries. SINCE WHEN ARE MY PRIORITIES SO WHACK???
I realized it was a bad idea when I broke my collar bone
I walked in and you were laying on the floor bleeding everywhere half asleep half crying and moe was at the kitchen table eating frozen pizza refusing to acknowledge you. What a sight.
How the fuck did you end up in a tree? With multiple people?
That's all? I'm a pro at gay chicken. I'll touch his dick, I have no problem with that.
Since he's sober and out of jail, he acts like we are the worst people on Earth. Fuck him, the only acceptable time in life to do coke is the early twenties. He won't take that from us.
We need to do something soon. I need like 4,000 beers and a cigarette.
Adulthood is making your own puke bucket.
Have you ever been up at one in the morning and thought to yourself, "I do not know nearly enough about penguin reproduction"?
It's decided. Tomorrow I'm getting a Big Mac and a Dildo
DO NOT FUCK YOUR ENGAGED GAY NEIGHBOR!
I dunno what to tell you sport. Short of having a shock collar on, you're gonna wanna hook up with people.
Randomize
