We named our saturday intramural dodgeball team "we're hungover". Pretty much just an excuse to fuel my alcoholism on friday nights.
she spent the whole night flailing her arms because "primates are the only species who can move their arms like that and we shouldn't waste it"
Hne relally is a cite oerfect gome. Nes awddddddddooooome.
Wait so they unscrewed the bathroom door to find you naked?
I drunk dialed my ex-boyfriend last night. He was sitting next to my new boyfriend. Shoot me in the face.
You need to come back and help me drink our beer so the fridge has room for the other beers
Look at my fb. It says single. That's the gospel.
He's not actually Jewish. Turns out he just wears the yarmulke to cover his bald spot.
I'm tellin ya, let the nipple get some air, they'll hire u on the spot, lawyers love a little nip
We are going to the humane society and getting you microchipped so you don't get lost on your birthday. Either that or your getting a child leash
My neck is PURPLE. This is NOT a good day to be indoctrinated by the cardinal...
My girlfriend is so strong now. Like on the one hand its kind of hot because she can pin me down during sex, but on the other hand she picked me up and carried me bridal style at the company bbq.
If I had your ass I would rule the world
Did you finish that presentation yet?
No but don’t worry about it. I do my best work in the middle of the night. I’m like a hamster.
Well, fuck this election. I'm getting drunk, regardless of who wins.
Randomize
