You're boyfriend is farting in his sleep. The last one sounded like a threat.
so i completely puked my brains out. a lot. he held me up so i could brush my teeth. then we proceeded to hook up for the next four hours.
he's a keeper
Had sex with the ex last night. Regretting to begin in 5, 4, 3, 2, 1... WHYYYYYYYYYY!
The only good thing about trampolines when you're fucked up is the gushing blood really cleans all the bad coke out of your nose.
I come up with the best drinking games while babysitting
Welcome to drunk texts. Live from Margaritaville, it's Saturday night!!!
So I'm thinking that so long as I have this piercing, I'm going to get tested for explosives at the airport
I will now send you explicit pics of mine and her genetalia bound together forever in the devils dance that is sexting.
I'm the one on the patio wearing underwear. Holding a pipe. Pigtail and glasses. Can't miss me.
the girl whose rug I peed on is here
The hardest part about being a child of divorce is when you're at your dad's house but your condoms are at your mom's house.
So, just saw a lady hysterically sobbing in a Walmart at 3 AM. Someone's not having a happy mother's day.
When dealing with embarassing medical issues, don't you want your brother's wife to be the one fishing around up your ass?
I'm to childless and to single to be asking myself why I'm so sticky
If you can endure a laser on the butthole, you can endure a wax on the butthole. Those are words to live by.
Randomize
