So how was he last night?
Five-minute foot-long.
my secret santa just gave me a pregency test
You insisted I take photos of you vomiting off the top of the tree.
4 random people called me telling me they found him sleeping in the fetal postion on a driveway 45 minutes after we lost him
I locked the porch door but I left a spare key on top of the keg on the side of the house
I don't remember what happened but judging from the contents of my pockets it had something to do with potatoes and glo in the dark condoms
What did you give her? She's trying to tape her wrists so her hands don't fall off.
My asshole is basically a geyser at this point. Minus the excitement. Plus blood.
i'm laying here naked in a pile of empty landshark bottles, is lauren still hiding under the toilet?
Oh btw I learned how to say "my penis is a flamethrower" in German. Tonights gonna be fun
Is it frowned upon to bring a flask to the er?
So this is completely apropos of nothing, but I have a feeling that a friend of mine might be a good match for you. Can I set you two up on a date? Oh, and it seems that we live a block away from each other and aren't having sexy times. This is ridiculous. By the way, there's a chance that I might be a tad drunk. Still though, there's a very *good* chance that you and Mr. X would get along.
I found your missing hash cookies. Fuck you and I'm sorry but there are only 2 left. I already had the munchies.
I woke up naked with a Jason mask on and a fat lip. What happened last night?
Today I made my parents proud-spent the afternoon floating around in their pool drinking beer-which I would ask my nephews to get for me out of the fridge
Randomize
