There was so much of it... it was like he poured a bowl of pudding on my face. It's not bad for your hair is it?
while you were getting the key to the dorm from the lobby i was giving a drunk monolog to the security camera about my life
God, you're like boner-b-gone
It is official. It's the year of doin married chicks. Similar to the year of virgins but without all the baggage.
I couldn't sleep so I drunk ellipticaled for an hour. Worst. Idea. Ever.
at one point he was caressing me in the kitchen asking me my name over and over again and then asking what my favorite continent was
Did you really just text me at 6:35 in the morning asking where the condoms were? I moved out a year ago.
Twas the night before the bachelor party, and all thru the house...not a creature was stirring, not even a stripper?...
Tonight, I'll be cleaning. And by cleaning, I mean drinking booze and spraying everything with Febreze.
I woke up at 5:47 in the morning to you peeing on my parents bedroom floor. I think we've established that you have a limit .
I mean with a sentence like that I knew I would be cumming
I got drunk and tried to make special rice krispie treats, but I made a mess and they were all stuck to my hands, so I just decided to eat my way out of the catastrophe and I think shit's about to get even weirder than usual.
don't worry about my dad. he just hates you because you're liberal, not because we're fucking.
Rarely does a man I fucked with upgrade from me
I'm sorry you had to knock him out on your birthday. But that also means I won the bet that you'd hit someone so you owe me 40. dollars
Randomize
