Thats how high i was. The fact that he looked like Seth Rogan was apparently a good thing.
how do i tell her that i need alcohol to fuck her but at the same time i cant get a hard on with alcohol.
I don't remember which guy I met at the bar is coming to pick me up. It will be like my birthday surprise.
He started to lose his balance halfway through his "commencement speech" at the top of the staircase. The rest is bloody, profanity-laiden history.
Hey bring in backup. its going to take a lot more beer than we think to fill up the water bed...
Freedom, beauty, truth, and love to all. I also probably have syphilis
I know. I need to get a vagina tranquilizer.
I mean, we do coke and have sex occasionally...I wouldn't call that a relationship.
i'm too drunk to leave my room. poked my head out like a turtle and everyone knew i wasn't sober. i like it better in my nonjudgmental turtle shell anyway.
He SHOWED UP to the party wearing one shoe and a dinosaur hat. He kept lifting up his shirt and asking people to bite his nipple.
I consider myself to be an upstream bisexual
You're the salmon of the gays...
Today was my cousin's Kindergarten graduation. I happen to also think of it as a MILF convention.
Can I just text her like "yo sorry I fucked your boyfriend, let's go get sushi" or like nah
sober me is the one who makes bad decisions every boyfriend I've ever had I met sober
People don't believe me when I say the bruises are from work. They just smile and say "right." Trust me, I WISH my sex life was that exciting.
Randomize
