It was kinda weird being the boss
Did you feel like Tony Danza?
I think I'm going to be in trouble for sneaking out last night. My Dad saw me drive up this morning when he was leaving early for work.
What'd you say?
I told him I was sleep driving
Do you have any cake mix? I kind of need to make a "im sorry i drank all your parents tequila, threw up all over your floor and slept with you boyfriend" cake.
so you know how i got laid the other night? well a condom just came out of me and i dont know whether to be grossed out or happy
i am grossed the fuck out
The only pictures he has from one of the biggest football weekends is an album titled "I miss my dog" filled with tons of pictures of his dog and him. This relationship must end.
Nah you can have him. There's too many men in my life right now. I can't handle another dick.
and then he started using my ass as a stressball
full cup flip cup was not exactly the reason I wanted to tell the cops when I was sleeping on the curb
I'm not mad at you for letting me use my air mattress as a toilet, i'm mad at you for letting me lay back down on it.
Oooo. Can we pretend to be Amanda Bynes?
She bought wigs like Disney princesses. I want to be her.
Can you stop being a bitch and just take some Kaluha shots with me bro?!?
Note to self: Never spend $8 on a liter of rum again
Ladies don't puke and tell
but like who hasn’t gotten fingered at the state fair?
The people at Perkins seem so judgemental. Big deal if i'm handcuffed to stripper in a star-n-stripes bikini. We still gotta eat.
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