anyone who buys me chipotle gets an automatic hj
hammered. By myself. Accident. Faillll. Snowwwwwy
Do you think they make a "sorry in my drunken debauchery I dropped a pumpkin off the balcony and you happened to be standing right there/get well soon" card?
I was up all night on suicide watch. Dave was wasted and tried to strangle himself. With his own hands.
I just wanna go somewhere and not be judged for wearing spandex shorts that make my ass look like a slice of fucking heaven. Is that so much to ask??
ur mom makes the best bacon
WHAT ARE YOU DOING IN MY HOUSE
That bottle of wine took a part of my soul with it.
I won't be able to get a boner for a month
Challenge accepted.
Is he gonna be my crazy ex? Cause we weren't even together for as long as my weeklong bicurious lesbian relationship.
Wore a burger king crown while giving head still drunk this morning #blessed
Walgreens has pop rocks. Be prepared to get your dick sucked.
He yelled at me to keep it in my pants and I replied with I will fuck your roommate as much as I please. Oops
His mom said he was in the ER and asked for prayers and positive thoughts. Apparently, me wishing the clap on him is not what she had in mind.
Part of my tooth flew in my eye when the dentist was drilling my cavity then I was sent to the ER. Fucking never going back
Getting food poisoning after eating at work was the cherry on top of my "Welcome back to real life" sundae.
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