Rescue me. My white trash great uncle just pulled out his belly at the restaurant to show us how big this woman's tit was
then for some reason i googled "how much to buy a cannon"
imagine playing with puppies while we're drunk.
Like... we could film it and put like, "do you believe in magic" as the backround song and it would be complete joy.
If it makes you feel better, I doubt anything could survive in your uterus.
He told me that if his bed could talk, it'd write a medical journal. Guess it's too late to worry about that now.
Just heard my neighbor say "I'm just gonna lay down in a coma until someone comes into my room and hands me a beer." He's got his priorities straight
the fact that we had sex in the dining hall makes it seem so much more like home.
Sometimes while peeing I'll go hands free, put my arms up by my chest and make claw hands, and pretend I'm a new type of dinosaur called Dickosaurus Rex.
If my neighbors have super loud sex again tonight, I'm going to leave a ball-gag and roll of duct tape in their mail slot.
Thou shall not get drunk and hit bitch cup in pong and take shirt off while wearing a see-through lace bra again
I'm sure the lady doing my pedicure could smell the sex on me.
I don't want my liquor store dad to judge me...
Then again I went over his house after not hanging out since kindergarten and tried to fuck him so maybe I'm partially to blame here
Just because you are home alone for the weekend doesn't mean you can act like a nudist.
I accept your opinion but respectfully disagree. Also, I'm sitting in your chair.
i just remembered i drunk watched the brave little toaster last night
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