You did that once after drunk driving from a photo shoot
That was very cool/italian of you
Which brings me to my next point, how come italians are so well adapted to drunk driving
I felt like a body pillow being humped by a twelve year old.
Yo, if someone calls you asking for John Stamos, just go with it.
When I realized it was a dog, and I still had a boner, it was awkward.
I always know the weekend is over when the real license comes out and the fake goes back into the hiding spot.
Just realized I have to keep sleeping with him... those scars from drunk sex on the 4th of July are still on my back and lord knows I'm not about to explain that to another guy.
In other words, he somehow found his way to my apartment, wasted, and was naked on my new couch. Completely naked. It was too special to pass up.
Sorry I kept grabbing your vagina at the casino. I believed it was my lucky unicorn to win bonuses
I have reached the state of intoxication where it is now a requirement to sit while peeing.
You're in the clear; you and Andrew did not joint fingerbang that girl on the dance floor last night.
If my sophomore year were to be made into a novel, it would be titled "dances with salvia"
My tweets this weekend consisted of me telling every bar I went to that they were my favorite valentine. I've never felt like more of an alcoholic
Apparently fireball doesn't mix well with my no carb diet
Day one of being single and I've came three times. I can get used to this.
Ur creepiness is now affecting my life and I'm not okay with it
Randomize
