just tell him he has love handles, he'll die of insecurity
somehow in between the body shots the bong hits and trying to convince the 7-11 lady to let me fill up my vodka bottle with cherry slurpee. i misplaced my car.
He keeps saying he loves me and ruining perfectly good conversations.
He's gotten way too comfortable around me. He came into the bathroom and took a shit while I was in the shower.
She threw up all over when she was giving me dome. Not even gonna lie, it felt really good.
i think you know its gunna be a bad day when it starts with throwing up into a red plastic cup
i decided what we are doing for your 21st b-day: camelbacks filled with margaritas
She told me that for every Ravens touchdown, I'd get to come once.
Marry her. Marry her now. I'll help you steal the ring.
You are the voice of reason. And I'm bringing wine. Like seriously this is his last chance. Don't touch me once, shame on you.. Don't touch me twice, shame on me
His balls are like really small, like dog sized balls. It was a weird discovery. Ever done a guy with dog sized balls?
All I've done this weekend is cum and drink. I think it's safe to say I'm dehydrated.
I'm floating on a 30mph cloud right now not giving a fuck
LOOK, I was 19, and I made a lot of choices with my crotch which I'm weirdly proud of
Yes dear.
I informed him that we had less than 5 minutes left to live, and his first words were "I'm trying to think of a good They Might Be Giants quip"
Lol. I liked you the most when we were banging random girls and trying to tag team everything. You were happier then.
Randomize
