Were we dating when my roommates and I had the 'everyone gets laid' part?
Ya
I used to kick so much ass
tell her no need for introductions. and that you've read about her on the back of toilet doors.
Dude. The walls are totally staring at me right now. I told you this was a bad idea.
What did you wear last night? Because I'm pretty sure there are atleast 4 Facebook statuses about your walk of shame.
Nothing quite says Coachella like me doing high yoga in the middle of a field by myself
Hey to make you feel better about last night, I just shit my pants.
Way too stoned bro. Was laying down on my back and thought for a good 30 mins what it would be like to be a turtle stuck on its shell
Jk. Anyone who everbeers with me is my type.
I'm treating this like a real date. My boobs aren't even out.
I'm so proud, I have tears
I'M WORRY THAT MY VAGINA WILL NEVER KNOW THE TOUCH OF A MAN AND YOU ARE MAKING A MIXTAPE
I just faked an orgasm while masturbating. Idk what exactly my problem is but I have one
I just wrote the Drag Queen from Saturday Night on FB and apologized for licking her. Weirdest thing I have ever typed...
My brother is chasing tequila with vodka. Not sure how it will turn out, but I like his style.
Nothing like putting a Percocet up your nose because you spent your night drinking heavily and can't drink water to make you heavily reconsider your life choices
you ass-dialed me while you were fucking my ex.
that was on purpose.
Randomize
