got weed?
I'm really tired of you accidentally texting me when your doing illegal things. I'm taking away your phone.
sorry mom...
Ketchup is God's man juice
we were watching porn and trying to copy the position they were doing now i think my hip is dislocated
porn star boner night. come get it.
Just fell asleep during a bikini wax. Thank god for day drinking.
Do you have any idea how horrifying it is to hear your sister and her husband fucking then immediately go down stairs only to hear your parents fucking....... I wish I was Hellen Keller right now.
You want to complain about your sex life to me? Right now mine consists of trying to masturbate lightly enough not to wake her up with bed shakes. Go. Fuck. Yourself.
I actually have to watch Breaking Bad to make me feel better about my choices last night.
Winning pick four numbers were just 6969... if I were 18 I could've won 20,000 dollars.
All my money is going towards making my vagina hairless
Worth it.
I'm going to be an 8 year old girl down there foreverrrr #fountainofyouth
How did you not realize the handbrakes were stuck?
I thought I was just out of shape.
I think I got a sinus infection from puking out my nose on st. Patricks day #thisis26
These last few days with George, grandma, and now Carrie all dying have been pushing me further and further into rum's sweet embrace.
He offered me free drinks all night if I could beat him in a drinking race. I blacked out after that but just found his credit card in my bra so there's that.
You know that thing where you wouldn't typically eat ass but you're in love with him so you want to eat his ass, because it's HIS ass
Randomize
